There is a book which has been recommended to me by the psychiatrist David Burns that has truly revolutionized the way I conceive of my role in interpersonal conflicts of the most intimate kinds. Sadly, I can’t remember the exact title but the gist of it is simply that we need to own 100% of the problem and see the truth in every accusation or criticism leveled against us in the course of a disagreement. Of course, I am oversimplifying things here and the good doctor does a much better job of making his points but the idea that we must seek to own one hundred percent of the problems we have in any relationship without seeking to justify, blame or persuade has been lifechanging. It is with this newly gained perspective that I find myself in the position of having disappointed one of my closest friends and seeing it in the light of radical accountability has been a revelatory experience in itself.
Whereas formerly I would have immediately reacted with aversion and cultivated a deep sense of righteous indigmation I can now see that there is truth in evry one of her critiques. I have shown insensitivty. I was inconsiderate and I certainly didn’t do enough to comfort her in her time of need. So, what does that make me? Imperfect and human but for some reason such a response is utterly unsatisfactory. Rather than trying to answer the question of who I am perhaps it is more wise to ask “What can I do now?” and try to let the answers come from a tender heart of love and compassion. Yes, I let her down but what can be done now? Confess, apologize and take my lumps seems to be the right course at present. And if I am wrong again what harm has an apology and foorebearance ever done anyone?
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
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