Cattāri Brahmavihārā

I find myself toda not solely in thrall of the defilements as a result of my lack of energy but, perhaps even more so, as a consequence of allowing doubt and desperation to spread and take hold. What, precisely, is in doubt? Fortunately my faith in the Tisarana remains unshaken but my confidence in my own practice is failing. Sometimes it can seem as though I am going through so many motions without any of the things I do having any impact. Chant this, reflect on that, mediate on this other thing for ten, fifteen, thrity minutes and it feels like I’m just treading water in order to keep from drowning.

In so many ways this is to be expected given the nature of life. Anicca. Nothing remains the same but this is the first time since I took up the practice in earnest that I have yet felt this.