Cattāri Brahmavihārā

Perhaps unsurprisingly I got my first opportunity to cultivate paramis since my last post (which I tried unsuccessfully to upload last night) and I nearly blew it.

You see my wife let me know that I would need to pick my son up from school today (whereas I normally drop him and my daughter off) because of a doctor’s appointment my daughter had. Despite her claims of malfeasance I assumed that this meant she would be taking them in since if I were to do both I would have something like 4 hours to work. Turns out I was wrong in making that assumption. It was doubly disappointing to be met with so much rancor and acrimony as I attempted to gingerly rouse them from sleep because I had done my level best to prepare everything and put it in good order so she would have as easy a time getting out the door as possible. Lunches made, breakfasts ready, contacts in and BAM! world war three threatened to ruin the mornings of thousands of residents in the East Village.

Call it training, luck or serendipity but I was able to remain more or less like a log and weather the storm. Still, none of it feels good. I dislike feeling that I have disappointed them, that I have tried to “get one over” or get away with something (these last two were accusations leveled at me as I was walking out the door. And I know I have a part in this and that in a real sense this is all my doing as it is all my kamma. So rather than seeking to shift blame and bemoan my fate I should equanimously take responsibility for the situation, accept my culpability, forgive all involved (not forgetting myself) and move on. The mistake was honest on my part and, had it been out in the open I would have still pursued this division of responsibilities so there need be no shame there.

As imperfect and messy as life with others is I can at least take comfort in the fact that I didn’t exacerbate the situation and was able to learn some small thing from it. May we all free ourselves from suffering by accepting ultimate responsibility for our thoughts, words and deeds.