Cattāri Brahmavihārā

There is a parable that the Lord Buddha gives wherein he describes a someone who is enthralled by sensuality as similar to a leper who uses hot coals to cauterize his open sores. Even though the coals cause his sores to fester and worsen all the more the sense of relief he derives, however brief, seems enough in his deluded mind to continue pursuing it. And, in the last twenty four hours I feel that I have been none the wiser.

Last night, as I made my way home in the semi-dark gloom through tunnels and over bridges my head was pounding and I quickly realized that all of the people on the trains and rushing by in the stations had taken on an almost nightmarish aspect. Strangely, this perverted perception of the world and all in it seems to a pretty regular and consostent indicator that I have pushed too far or too hard and what I need more than anything else is to sleep for a solid eight hours. Unfortunately, that was not to be and my poor kids paid the price for it as I was unable to manage them without resorting to screaming and, even with six hours’ worth of sleep, I am still at the point of boiling over with rage and irritation.

What to do? I have given myself free reign to act in ways that I must believe will bring me some succor and am enjoying their bitter fruits now but something has to change. Just yesterday I was going on about the need to practice with intensity and now, a scant 18 hours later, I have failed to restrain myself at all.

May we see the error and futility of our ways.