How quickly the mind and heart can change. Last night, as I made my way in the stifling heat and suffering from a bad head cold I wondered at the delight and jooy I felt dwelling in the brahma viharas and recollecting my goodness (doing my pep talk walk if you will). This morning, however, I discovered that the heart had hardened and a general darkness descended over the mind. Yes, I’m sick and have been pushing myself over much at work but I am also tortured by the thought of allowing my practice to slide as I chase pleasant states and run from painful ones. What is that but the way of one who has learned nothing of the Dhamma. So, I resolved to keep my seat for 15 minutes.
Initially I tried to lighten the mind with metta and caganussati but after two rounds of my mala I was in a stae of near total despair. Nothing seemed to suffice to pull me out of it and no tool or trick had any effect. As I sat now watching the breath, reciting “bud-dho” it struck me: this suffering is the truth of the moment and to run from it won’t help. And, yet, to believe it would never change only deepened the pain so I brought in the recollection of anicca-impermanence. Suddenly, it was as if the sun had begun to rise and rays of warm light began to break up the inky darkness enveloping my heart. That was as far as it wnt though, the sun nevr completely arose but it was solace enough to carry me through to the end.
May all be beings be free of pain and suffering and may they understand the impermanent nature of all conditioned things.
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
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