Dissimulation or giving the appearance that is at odds with one’s internal reality (whether we’re talking about one’s opinions, motives, intentions) is something I have had reconciling with my understanding of sila. In essence, what is the kamma of pretending that one is happy and unconcerned when, in fact, the opposite is the case? If everything is intention I can say that not allowing my anxieties about business troubles to show through during my son’s birthday was an act of dissimulation undertaken for the benefit of all concerned. And yet, I am uneasy about it.
Clearly there is an issue of timing here: spilling my guts at my son’s birthday would have been the height of selfishness and just plain weird. Where then is this uneasiness? Where is the danger?
Cattāri Brahmavihārā 
I had to read the definition for that word “dissimulation” as I had not heard it before.
I think, perhaps, it is important to consider that you are not actively throwing out a lie — you’re simply trying to internalize whatever it is that is bugging you. Possibly it is useful to do that, telling yourself now is not the time to concern yourself with the issue you are fretting over, like you said, for the benefit of others. Maybe this is a manner of self-sacrifice you are practicing, and that has to be a powerful force in the life of one’s children.
Further, if you learn to set the issue aside for a little while, maybe you can learn to set it aside until the “right time” to deal with it. It is one thing to have a problem that you can work on, but it sounds like you are having a problem that you can’t work on. I seem to recall a quote from Ajahn Brahm saying that a problem is something with a solution — so if you have no solution, you can’t have a problem.
Reading your blog for a while now I have noted that a lot of your stress seems to come from your work… I have long realized that my stress at work is something I can often control; if it is too much for my practice to bear, I have been relatively successful so far at transforming it in ways to make it less so. Further, if I were working in a position where I felt like my practice was so consistently interrupted, I think I would have to get out of it, even if at a loss.
May you find ways to transform your troubles into opportunities, friend, and find the peace for which you strive. Please be well.
By: Hickersonia on 08/17/2013
at 7:27 pm