Cattāri Brahmavihārā

I’m on the bus on my way back to Brooklyn for the second time today after having taken both kids there this morning and spent the morning working in a cafe while waiting for my daughter to get out of school. Why? Well, my wife is trying to begin a career as a doula but doing so makes life incredibly complicated and requires me to rearrange my schedule in order to make this possible. Needless to say, as the sole provider of our family, I am more than a little resentful and it shows.

The last twenty-four hours were rough having to handle the kids and juggle my work responsibilities but they were hard on her as well. So, when she woke up from her sleep and began complaining that I wasn’t listening to her while I tried frantically to get some work done I was in no mood for it. It eventually devolved into a full-blown melt down and it was only then that I realized that I was punishing her for the continued impingements on my time by withholding compassion and sympathy. Doesn’t sound very Buddhist does it? Well, I don’t think it is either but I’m not sure how best to react. Rational analysis of the situation doesn’t seem to shed much light on it but suffice it to say that, in the end, somethinng (pity, compassion, weakness?) Prevailed upon me and sent me packing back to Brooklyn and away once more from my work obligations.

And, while I don’t know what the best way to handle the situation would have been today I do know one thing: the ugliness and hard-heartedness I embodied today was something I would prefer never to indulge in again.

May we be free from cruelty and may we act out of compassion!