Cattāri Brahmavihārā

When it comes to criticism received from those who are closest to me I often find it hard to winnow out the truly helpful parts from those that are beest let go. This is especially difficult when I am being taken to task for things that are more than just isolated incidents but seem to represent ways of being and habitual behaviors that I have picked up over the years and perhaps lifetimes.

For as long as I can remember I have been an anxious person. Long before diagnoses such as generalized anxiety disorder existed I was daily avoiding eye contact with people (my first memories of this are from when I was 6 or 7), being afraid to talk to store clerks and worrying about my father dying on one of his frequent plane trips. With the start of the AIDS epidemic I found a new obsession and was worried about contracting the disease (without any justification) before I actually became sexually active in my teens. So, suffice it to say that I am prone to see the negative in things and easily get caught in webs of fear to this day with little or no reason.

Anyway, it is precisely this character trait that has repeatedly come under attack by someone very clsoe to me. I understand their frustrations (I am, myself, quite frustrated by it as well) but it seems like their is precious little I can do to change it. I believe if just keeping silent about my fears and going along with any plans that may serve as triggers were the answer the problem would have been solved long ago. Unfortunately, it seems that the simple fact that I have these feelings at all is enough to merit reproach.

So, what to do? Obviously there is a line here and it can be drawn on the contours of observable behaviors. It simply isn’t fair (let alone kind) to dictate the contents of someone’s inner life and that is truly where I must stand my ground. I will, for the sake of harmony and to avoid depriving myself of precious time with my dear ones, continually make an effort to fight fear and anxiety wherever it arises and nepot allow it to control my life. in the final analysis, it is I who must take care of and love myself and, although I acknowledge my foibles and faults, I refuse to allow another’s, equally unenlightened perception to define me. May we all be free of inner and outer harm!