Offering Service and the Ego

Posted by: Michael | 02/17/2013

Offering Service and the Ego

It’s been another somewhat brutal day of weekend working but I have managed to be kind enough to myself and sit a few times. I was asked to help out by facilitating the Sunday night class as my teacher and a large number of people in the group are on retreat. Of course I am glad to help but I have admit that I have been feeling a lot of anxiety over it for reasons I’m not quite sure of. I have actually done this exact thing for my teacher once before and didn’t experience this kind of trepidation but that’s the trouble with anicca isn’t it?

I really think a lot of this fear has everything to do with expectation and ego. This seems to be the case because when I am able to consider this as being a form of dana without worrying about what I will do and how I will appear it actually seems like something good that gets me inspired to practice. When I turn my attention to how my chanting will sound or what/if I should say anything to help guide the meditation immediately brings up fear and aversion (well, I guess fear is aversion but you get my point). So, there’s thee answer: set and return to the intention to offer this service to my teacher and the group out of love and kindness and let my kilesas sort it out on their own. Sukhi hotu!